I have been blown away by the outpour of love and support given to me, my mom, and my family during this difficult time. The way that I have been held and love poured into me has allowed me space and fuel to pour more love into my mom and honor her memory. I know she feels it and I know the love that I feel is the essence of her Spirit loving me through all that is around me. It gives me solace to know that she truly is with me. Because what we love about people isn’t primarily their physical vessel. What we love about people is their support, their love, their essence. This thing we can feel from them, the way they view the world, the way they treat other people, the perspective they give us, they way they inspire us. Those are all things that cannot be lost and ways that my mom will always be with me, in every moment. All of her friends and family and community pouring love into me, that is her essence and life force flowing into me. All of my own friends and family and community pouring into me, that is proof of the lessons that she taught me in kindness, generosity and compassion.
I know that death and grief are often skipped over parts of our human experience, and I think this robs us of something immensely powerful and transformational. All death feeds new life, but we have to allow the decay process to happen in order to get the nourishment. Like fallen leaves feeding the tree’s roots, the process takes time and attention. So I created this space for me to grieve my mom, and to offer others who are grieving a warm space filled with love, depth, insight, resources, and nourishment. May we grieve so that we can transform and give those who have passed on reverence and new life.
Resources that helped me
As Francis Weller says, and I mention in my last post, grief is an intense emotion, but it is also a skill that we can develop to navigate the trials of life. Especially as a culture that is now living through the 6th mass extinction, regardless of your personal or familial situation, all of us as a part of humanity are living through massive death and grief, and as Kate Kavanaugh says in this podcast, maybe grief is a nutrient, if we allow it to be.
I want to list some resources that truly helped me before and during the process of my mom dying, and that I will continue to lean on throughout my grieving process. I hope they can be supportive to anyone in the midst or in the wake of something similar right now. I don’t know how I would have processed or handled this experience without these resources, like comfort blankets that also gave me ideas and tasks I could perform to help in the process, rather than just sitting idly by feeling helpless (although that feeling was still quite present, I know I did all I realistically could do). They also helped me feel less alone to hear beautiful stories of those navigating the dying process and parsing out their wise insights.
Sacred Dying by Megory Anderson
Creating Rituals for Embracing the End of Life
A guidebook and map for how to speak to the soul and how to commune with the Divine. This book spoke directly to me. As I finished one chapter, the very next question I had or thing I was struggling with was addressed in the next chapter. Reading this book throughout my mom’s dying process in hospice was like God telling me exactly what to do next in order to walk her home. I performed many suggestions from the book, but the most notable was that I was even able to call in a hospice volunteer that was versed in reiki healing and rituals for end of life. My mom had been unresponsive for a few days, but her vitals were still very strong and her care team suspected she still had a few more days. It was hard to see her suffer, and we wondered if there was still something holding her back. One of my dear friend’s aunts came in to offer her ritual support of releasing any blocked energy and inviting God into the space, and later that very same night, my mom crossed the threshold. Even my very skeptical and non-woo woo father was awe-struck my that.
Everything Left to Remember by Steph Jagger
My Mother, Our Memories, and a Journey Through the Rocky Mountains
“It is a story about mothers and daughters— a book about nature, and memory, and loss of all kinds. It’s about transforming our pain into something much larger. This is a book about love.” - Steph Jagger
A magnificent parallel between our mothers and The Mother, Mother Nature. How we must remember, and how we will inevitably forget, cycle after cycle. (I highly recommend the audiobook version).
Poetry and Music
You waited until you were alone.
Death is a private thing,
You knew your last act
Was to a different audience.
As it entered you—
Oh how you must have danced!
Curving toward God,
Elegant and alone.
Dear one, what is it like?
Tell us! What is death?
Birth,
You say, your voice swathed in wings.
I am born in the endless beginning.
I am not. I am.
You start turning into us,
We who love you.
You weep in our sadness,
You laugh when we do,
You greet each moment fresh,
When we do.
So may your gift of loving enter our own
And be with us that way, forever.
- Elias Amidon, from Life Prayers from Around the World
Like the River
Go with the flow No more holding on Release, let go and surrender Her waters will carry you to the ocean Deep within your heart you′ll remember We are made of water, like the river we know How to release our fears and let go We are made of water, like the river we know How to trust that our path brings us home
Community Support
If you wish to support me in my process, there are options below. This is a creative outlet that allows me to pour my heart into my mother’s memory, as well as to hopefully provide resources and a sense of belonging and healing to others in their grieving process. Send to someone who may need some encouraging words or soothing messages.